Unrequited Crushes

Unrequited crushes suck. There’s no doubt about that. I’ve been dealing with unrequited crushes for basically my whole life, and there’s nothing more frustrating than the person you like completely oblivious to how great you are.

And I’ve come to the conclusion that I really suck at picking people who I like. Whether or not there’s some deeper psychological meaning to whom I select as my crush, they never like me back. And I’ve taken it out on myself for so fucking long that along the way, I’ve destroyed my self-esteem.

But you know what? It’s not worth it. Whether or not your crush is a stranger, a friend, or an acquaintance, them not returning feelings for you is nobody’s fault. And you don’t deserve the self-hate. In a couple of months, you’ll be asking yourself why you even cared so much. You know it’s true and it’s not news.

If you like somebody, try to just enjoy and appreciate the times you see them, or talk to them, happy moments with them that make you feel warm and fuzzy. That’s the only way you’re not going to care, by focusing on how good they make you feel just by seeing them smile. I promise you you’ll be okay.

Sad

I’ve been in such a shit hole these past few days. This is why I try not to feel feelings. It’s like all the work I’ve been doing to myself for months to make me a more confident person, working on liking myself, has been for nothing. And I can’t even blame anyone for this, because it’s my fault.

I’ve been thinking some pretty horrible things about myself and listening to depressing ass music. I feel like an angsty teenager in a teen movie.

Why I Refuse to Write Rom-Coms, or Anything in the Romance Genre in General

Of the many screenplays that I’ve outlined, fleshed out, or actually typed out a draft for, not one falls into the category of romance in any way, shape, or form.

It’s not that I have something against romance or romantic comedies. I just feel that life is so much more than just relationships, and I find that just about every event and occurrence in life makes a far more interesting story than a romance. Now I’m not saying that I’ve never included a romantic element or angle into my scripts; many of my characters have had a romantic subplot somewhere down the line. But the thing is, when I’m watching a movie I find it much more gratifying when character development and progression is self-willed, inspired by multiple people rather than the one S.O. I believe that a person cannot change if he or she does not want to 100%, and it seems unrealistic to me that one person could ever be the only one to completely and totally improve a human being.

But I guess that’s the appeal. I’m probably a pessimist or maybe I’m just not practiced in love so I’m biased. I don’t have any experience at all. I have commitment issues, which has been well-established since junior high. Maybe just to me, romance isn’t important. Either way, agree to disagree?

I feel like there’s something wrong with me.

I don’t like going out at night all that much, I prefer to stay in my room and relax. I don’t like talking and socializing after 8 PM, that’s when I want to be alone. I get more emotionally attached to fictional characters in movies and shows, than I do people in real life. I don’t like drinking. I don’t like partying. My idea of a fantastic day is spending it in a coffee shop in downtown LA reading a good book. I hate the beach. I don’t have many friends, two or three is more than enough for me. Personally for me, I’m not interested in dating for the sake of dating. If I’m going to date, it’s strictly because I want to find the person I could potentially marry. Otherwise there’s no point.

I’m literally everything a young, college student isn’t, and I don’t get why. I just feel like I don’t fit into this world.

A Generation of Furtive

 (or, Victoria crying about history and the 1950′s Beat generation)

The Beat generation is so fucking fascinating. I’m not a literature person at all, and I don’t read any of Allen Ginsberg’s works or anything like that. Mainly Kerouac’s writing I appreciate a lot, but the history of the group of writers who basically pioneered the entire Beat movement in America is so interesting.

It started with a combination of Kill Your Darlings and Jack Kerouac’s On the Road, really.

A while ago, I saw a post commenting on Dean Winchester’s bisexuality because there was speculation that Eric Kripke had modeled his character on Kerouac’s descriptions of Beat figure Neal Cassady, or more famously known as Dean Moriarty. The intended sexual orientation of the Dean is extremely irrelevant to this post, so long story short, curiosity got the best of me and I downloaded a PDF version of the original scroll that was just released in 2007 (the version released in 1950′s was heavily censored as this piece of writing talked a lot about sex and drugs). But anyway, I had no idea who this “Jack Kerouac” figure was. I just though, “Okay, another American writer I can appreciate, okay.” This was a couple of months ago.

Fast forward to just a couple of days ago. I finally got around to watching Kill Your Darlings, which depicts the friendship and the Kammerer trial of the brilliant, free-spirited Lucien Carr and poet Allen Ginsberg, portrayed by Dane DeHaan and Daniel Radcliffe respectively, during their time at Columbia (You should know despite only watching the first four Harry Potter movies, I’m a huge Daniel Radcliffe fan; I just think he’s the bee’s knees). Okay, first things first, if you haven’t watched the movie, do it. It’s amazing. It’s intense and Dane’s brilliant in this (Also, Michael C. Hall is in it and you can see him stalk and get killed by Dane DeHaan). Wait sorry, I get sidetracked easily. Anyway, yeah, that pretty much shows the start of the Beat generation. Kerouac is in this film too, and at first when I was watching this I didn’t quite put two and two together. Until it finally hit me. This immediately piqued my interest.

So yeah, I started looking up the history of the actual figures. I read published letters exchanged between the friends in the Beat group. I got so swept up with all of this that I actually just watched Howl today as well, which stars James Franco and Aaron Tveit, which follows an older Allen Ginsberg and the events of his life during the Howl Obscenity Trial.

Victoria, what the fuck is the point of this post? Sorry, nothing. There is no point. I was just gushing.

But, I recommend you check out Kill Your Darlings and check out Kerouac’s writings. His writing style lacks commas and punctuations, it’s stream of consciousness, but somehow it’s still poetic and the topics he writes about are quite fascinating. They’re mostly autobiographical and revolve around his friendship with important figures like Allen Ginsberg and William Burroughs. They were a fucked up bunch, and if anything, they’ll make you feel lucky that your life and relationships aren’t as fucked up as theirs.

Oscar Night

Today, I spent five hours sitting in the Student Union with dozens of other film students and/or film aficionados like myself watching the 86th annual Academy Awards (Spoiler: The Academy Award goes to… not Leonardo DiCaprio). It’s been a while since I actually tuned in to watch the entire event, partially because most of the previous hosts sucked ass.

Ellen DeGeneres was killed it, and I’d love for her to host my life or my funeral or something. The highlight of tonight was probably the little pizza party where the pizza delivery guy came on stage and Brad Pitt was handing out paper plates to A-listers like a dad at his kid’s birthday party. And the most retweeted selfie. That was good too.

I also enjoyed it because I was among a group of people who looked up to filmmakers and actors/actresses as much as I did, and that was something that I never quite felt. For five hours all of us just sat there watching golden statues being distributed to directors and editors and writers and set designers and actors. What’s so remarkable about that, to me at least, is that despite the fact most of the world finds this trivial, movies are important to probably every single person in that room with me.

I was born and raised in Silicon Valley where there is absolutely no entertainment industry. There’s a whole lot of technology and maths, but no movies, no music, no media. None of my classmates were into movies or music, and thought that I was weird for being so into what I was into. And eventually, it made me think that I was weird for being so obsessed and into films and television and music. Until, of course, I enrolled as a film student where most people seemed to be as passionate about the subject of media arts. Now I’m glad that I can finally enjoy it with more than just myself.

Awkward

I’ve always hated awkwardness. It always made me frustrated that real life isn’t like the movies. In movies, there is no awkwardness. Okay yeah, maybe the initial awkwardness when the protagonist meets the girl or the boy he or she fancies, or when he or she meets a new friend, or maybe a new group of friend. But after that initial awkwardness, it disappears. Then comes the constant witty banter with so much chemistry that I want to cry because it seems like I won’t ever find friends or boyfriends like that. Reality isn’t smooth and easy like that, because no that would be boring. I used to be embarrassed and bothered by silence, rambling, and stumbling. But now, not so much.

This was a spiritual journey that only took one day. I went to Disneyland today with a group of friends. For the first few hours, we were all talking nonstop, getting a bit pumped for exploring Disneyland in the pouring rain. Mike hasn’t gone yet this year at all, and we’ve been planning on going together since school started, so we finally went today. To understand the extent of my hate for awkwardness, I was feeling embarrassed and uncomfortable bumping into and stepping on my friends trying to dodge incoming strangers. And I’m just uncoordinated. But anyway, eventually conversation starts to falter, only to pick up sporadically and then die just as quick. Moments when we’re walking in complete silence. Oh god, that bothered me at first. I was racking my brain trying to find something, anything to say but I didn’t come up with anything worthwhile. After a while, it got easier. If you’re walking in silence with some friends, chances are the only reason it’s awkward for you is because you’re thinking it’s awkward. Nobody else is thinking anything. It became more comfortable as time went on.

When you just meet someone, there’s no limit to the things you can talk about. He or she is a complete stranger, a blank slate by your book, and conversing is easy. As you familiarize yourself with people, there’s a lot less to talk about. Once you’ve said it, you’ve already said it. So the conversation is replaced with silence. And that’s the beauty of it! You’re so comfortable with these people that you surround with that there can be silence. You don’t need to make a first impression because chances are, they already know how uncoordinated you are and that you chew with your mouth open. It shouldn’t be awkward.

No, it’s not like the movies. People aren’t flawless after you meet them, and life isn’t always full of clever quips. People ramble, they trip over their words, they run out of things to say. You should never feel awkward about that.

Failure

“Failure” is such a terrifying word. It’s such a terrifying concept.

There’s an overwhelming amount of pressure from ourselves, from friends, from family, from society, for us to succeed. Think about it. We spend our entire adolescent lives setting goals for the future. Everything we did was a stepping stone for our future. Elementary school and middle school cemented our foundations of knowledge so that in high school we may build upon it as we start thinking about careers and future plans. College, to prepare ourselves for the adult world. All through setting goals.

The dictionary states that to fail is “to be unsuccessful in achieving one’s goals.” To fail the goals that we set for ourselves means that everything we did leading up to it meant nothing.

I don’t care how many times people tell me that in order to learn, you must fail. It doesn’t make it less fucking disappointing to be unsuccessful in your dreams and goals, goals that were years in the making. The years we struggled to get through.

Sure it’s not the end of the world, you must pick yourself up and try again. But it’s a shitty feeling and we’re entitled to feel it, and that’s why I hate inspirational quotes about failure.

Why Finn of “My Mad Fat Diary” is My Dream Man

First of all, if you’re not watching the British E4′s My Mad Fat Diary, you’re seriously missing out. It’s flat out one of the best shows on  television today. I don’t think I’ve ever watched a show that quite made me laugh so much and cry as hard. This show deals with Rae’s, the protagonist, friend issues, mental health, and body image, and that shit hits home for me. And one word– Oasis. Set in the 90′s, you will absolutely melt with how fucking great the soundtrack is.

But in addition to tasteful writing and legendary music, there’s a certain someone who has managed to capture not only Rae’s heart, but the audience’s hearts as well. Nico Mirallegro plays Finn, who is Rae’s love interest in the series, and has climbed up to the top of my list of  “Fictional People I’d Definitely Date”–and quite rapidly too.

It’s not strange for me to fall in love with fictional characters. I have many on-screen loves, like Ian Gallagher of Shameless and Marvel Cinematic Universe’s Steve Rogers. That’s like, a thing for me, completely normal alright? But nobody quite takes the cake like Finn, and here are some reasons why:

  1. Let’s state the obvious first: he’s a sex god. If it helps create a mental picture, remember Georgia sighing about how Robbie is a sex god in Angus, Thongs, & Perfect Snogging? That’s me whenever his face graces my high resolution, Retina display. I find myself physically fanning myself, and I’ma be real: his butt is fantastic (refer to the shower scene of 2×01, you will not regret it).
  2. His taste in music. He’s an Oasis fan and he loves the Smiths, need I go on?
  3. Which brings me to his fashion sense. Band shirts, rounded sunglasses, his cute little necklace, leaTHER JACKET, PLAID SHIRTS, AND FITTED TEES. Swoons.
  4. His accent. Just a little okay? I’m not one to fetishize English accents or anything, but he could have the most ridiculous accent and it’d be cute as fuck.
  5. He’s emotionally stunted like me! He admitted he has trouble with expressing himself and his feelings. Wow, what a catch!
  6. He sticks up for his friends. When poor Rae has a period accident and some assholes start making fun of her, Finn steps in to kick their asses. Bonus points for, “You apologize to her now or I will fucking curl you up, alright?” British slang sounds absolutely ridiculous 99% of the time, but that was pretty fucking hot.
  7. And most importantly, his love for Rae. Rae, an overweight girl who has struggled (and/or is still struggling) with self-esteem issues, and cutting, and eating disorders, is the object of his affection. The object of a fit and handsome boy. You don’t see this on screen, and you hardly see this in real life. And when you do, you’re lying if you say you don’t notice their “differences.” Society has told us that things like that don’t happen, or things like that are out of the norm. Finn loves Rae for who she is, for her personality, for her flaws, for her quirks, for her taste in music, and yes, even for her appearance. He thinks she’s beautiful and accepts her for how she is. And even though Rae is having a hard time understanding why, we certainly aren’t. Which is why it’s absolutely imperative that they are endgame!

People Suck

Today has just been one of those days where I just hate myself so much. I’m really exhausted from being on set all day, by the way, so I’m sorry if this is incoherent or if there are glaring grammatical errors in this post. But yeah, speaking of set, I don’t know like a single person on set aside from Ariel, Jack, and Wyatt. The people were super nice, but it was so mentally tiring and difficult for me be social. I faked it, and I asked everybody for their names but I’m just so fucking awkward I literally say the dumbest shit in the world.

Until I’m an upperclassmen working with people in my class, I doubt I can find another set I liked more than 15 Minutes and Counting. God, like Chris, Donny, Lauren, etc etc. they were so amazing and I don’t know, I felt more like I fit in. Meh, I don’t know what I’m trying to say.

I feel so insignificant and unlikeable and it’s just been a while since. It must be the fact that I was put in a really stressful environment where I had to meet a whole flock of new people. As soon as we were let out, I made a beeline for the door (which totally looks bad on my part) but I had to get out of there. :/

Currently listening to: Untitled – Interpol